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We all deal with dysfunctional people at some point. Either a) the family we were born in, b) the family we marry into, c) the family we raise or d) the family our children marry into. Work, church and school has its fair share too. Somewhere, sometime...SMACK. Here it comes - the quandary of unhappy, unbalanced people. The crazy-makers. Some downright just fall short of a trip to the asylum.
My extended family is not too exceptional, and some of the issues we deal with are widespread.
One of the things which comes with mortality is dealing with...mortals.
I have a fabulous family event coming up. My two youngest children (of six) are graduating in June with both their H.S. diploma and their Associate's degrees. They actually went to college for all of their college classes. They are 18 and 17 (come June). It's been hard work all around and a glorious milestone for us.
We'll make a big day of it and expect it will be very memorable for our family. I could not be more pleased with my children. All of them either have degrees, or are in varying stages of winning one.
Yet I have a quandary. Sprinkled among my family are those who are given to behaviors which are sure to spoil any event, I don't care how hard you try to prevent it, they just cannot help themselves.
I've agonized over how this will affect our big day. The conflict is between being gracious and honorable with extended family members OR not inviting them in order to preserve a near perfect day.
The thought came to me to be truthful and honest with them about what my aphrehensions were. Part of my problem has been taking it laying down for decades and not being more direct in situations where I should have been. Even though I'm not that person anymore, I have no wish to make points, drag around baggage or be vindictive either.
Then I realized, almost everyone I know has stuff like this going on in their family. Personality disorders, bi-polar, narcissism, sullen and unkind people, right along with rivalry and the old green-eyed monster. So I thought I would share with you what I came up with.
It's not perfect, but it brought peace of mind to put my finger on "it."
This is an attempt to be assertive without being aggressive. It's an attempt to lay down some boundaries which are long overdue and put it all on the table. It's an attempt to let people know they are loved and welcome, but certain behaviors need to be kept in check. By putting the awareness of it on everyone's table and letting everyone know we'll all be watching for it ~ it takes the leverage of poor behavior away.
And perhaps, some people are not as aware as we would suspect as to how their behaviors come across and what people are thinking. They may not understand why others avoid them.
So along with the invites, family members will get some version of this note inserted as well. I will be terribly unpopular with a few, but from my perspective, this is necessary to clear the way for any possible progress for the rest of us.
(P.S. A humorous moment occurred when I realized these "rules for family events" could be posted just about anywhere: church, work, school, etc. Which is why it found its way to the blog.)
*****
Dear Family,
I love you and will always love you. We would also love to have you join us and be a part of this magnificent day in our family history. We are so excited.
There are some ground rules which need to be laid down for this event. For a few of you, these will be common sense and you will be nodding your head. I sent them to everyone to be fair.
No passive-aggressive maneuvers, which means no intrigues and behind-the-scenes stuff.
No jockeying for victimhood or martyrdom championship points.
No king-of-the-mountain. Either to pull others down or keep others' head down.
No awkward surprises or putting people on the spot.
No tug-of-war over favoritism or popularity - especially by the use of embellished or manipulated stories.
No jealousy over the relationships others attempt to have.
No lobbying for alliances or lobbying to decrease the good opinion/relations of others.
No trying to make this day all about you, when in reality, it is for the children.
No monopolizing the conversation with your many maladies, both physical and emotional.
No drama.
No baggage or points to prove.
No crusades to re-write history. It doesn't work anyway, because history and patterns cannot help but to repeat themselves. Truth surfaces in the end. Sometimes it takes years, even a decade or two, but it does....
No snide or heavy or bitter.
We welcome all straightforward, loving relationships with our children. We would love to have you be popular with them and have close aunt, uncle, cousin and/or grandparent relations with them.
However as soon as you turn it into a competition to be more preferred by our children, as in seeking to increase your relationship by undermining our relationship with them - it becomes obvious to all of us, including them as they grow older. It's just makes us all want to run.
These children are more savvy and intuitive about people than we ever were at the same ages. All the rules stated up above...they see those things. They have conversations with each other we never had. They have made observations, the depths of which have quite surprised me. A couple of them are more aware about people games than a lot of us typically are. What flew in our generation doesn't fly in theirs. For example, your choosing to ignore them or snub them is a reflection on where you are at and they will more likely, simply move on without you.
Same with myself (finally).
We (siblings and parents) are the older generation and the family culture and the quality/style of relationships we established, invested in or abused, took time for or did not take time for are on our own heads. In short, the parents and older adults own the family culture and dynamics. From the oldest on down.
This has long needed to be said.
If we're your cup of tea, you're welcome around our campfire anytime. Please feel no obligation to us - only come and be with us if this is a relationship you're interested in.
There are no expectations.
Again, I feel love for you and always will, We now have six grown children and a son in-law to love and grandchildren to mentor and we are willing to welcome any sincere family soul who wants to be a part of that.
Warm regards,
Shawnie
